I spent a wonderful hour with my teenage daughter today. I have twin girls. If I could pick two people (no, I could never choose just one) to spend the day with – it would be my girls.
Each stage, each new phase as they have grown up I have enjoyed. They are so much the same and yet so different. I love the “terrific twos” – the the early stages of decision making. My girls responded to disipline so differently. Our rule was if you weren’t “being nice” you had to go to your room until you can be nice. Well, with Sarah, as soon as you said something, snapped your fingers to get her attention or “You can go to your room until you can be nice.” Sarah would immediately cry – “No, no, no, I will be nice, I’m ready to be nice now” We were consistent with “no, you go to your room and you can come out when you are ready to be nice” – Sarah would run down the hall, get both feet inside the door and burst back into the living room with. “I’m ready to be nice now” and she would. All was fine.
Rachel on the other hand, when she got the same direction, “You need to go to your room until you can be nice.” Rachel would make a face, run to her room, throw herself on her little toddler bed and sob. Being two, we would wait about two minutes for a time-out and go to her room to ask, “are you ready to be nice now?” – Most often her response was “NO!” and mine would be “Fine, stay there” – and a couple of minutes later, we’d repeat the same exchange. If I asked her if she was ready to be nice – it was a resounding “NO”. I learned, after two minutes not to ask if she was ready, but to just tell her it was time to come back out with everyone and it was time to be nice. It worked. She didn’t have a choice, it was just time.
Much of who they were is still who they are.
Today, I spent and hour with Rachel, now 16 1/2. We talked to the school guidance counselor about plans for next year. A heavy load of AP and honors classes. Trying to fit some electives into a packed schedule. Choices. Decisions. It was so interesting to hear my daughter talk about what her interest are, reason about what is best for her now and in the future. Work to balance what is fun with what is important. Somewhere learning to decide it was “time to be nice” I can’t help but believe has helped her decide priorities.
Today, I called home and Sarah was a little snippy on the phone. She was short, I thought a little rude. She was trying to do “three things at once” and I interupted her with a phone call. As soon as she got home from practice, she apologized, she wanted to explain what was going on and that she didn’t mean to be rude. Without prodding, she was “ready to be nice now.”
Does this happen because of good parenting or good kids? I don’t know. I think so far, we’ve done a good job, my husband and I to parent to the best of our ability. But I just can’t take too much credit. Sometimes, I think the girls are the young women they are inspite of our parenting. Nature/nurture? Good parenting? I just don’t know.
I know that somewhere in 16 years I’ve been fortunate to have the blessing of two babies – and the majic happens with them everyday since.
