Forgiveness – Enabling

Forgiveness will make everything better. Yes, forgiveness is a great healer. Holding a grudge or anger toward someone wastes energy and holding anger only hurts the person holding the anger. All of these things are true. This belief has held for most of my life and still does for most of my life.

What happens when the person you are forgiving, because you don’t think you really did anything wrong. I’m forgiving because I don’t want you to be angry with me, if I apologize for making you mad, I’m defusing the moment. But when does forgiving so many times begin to enable behavior. When do you stop forgiving? Is it when you have been hurt so bad that the magnitude of injury is so great?

I don’t know, I’ve talked with people who have been damaged by terrible crime, wrongly accused, or others who’ve lost loved ones to drunk drivers. They’ve explained that they had to forgive to go on with their lives. They had to let go of the anger to begin to feel joy again in their lives.

Can you forgive over and over the same behavior? When is enough enough? When does constantly forgiving enable bad behavior? If I forgive and the behavior doesn’t change do I keep forgiving? What if this behavior is hurting more than the forgiving is helping? I’m running out of forgiveness.

When forgiveness begins to enable bad behavior is it time to stop forgiving? When is enough enough and its time to move on? No answer, just more quesitons. Yes, I’m a little frustrated.

Not jabbing much

I named this blog “Janette’s Jabs” – I haven’t been jabbing much. Still a little afraid of publishing, but more I think the idea that I could take a few jabs at political leaders, maybe even friends, neighbors sounded like great fun – but when I tried – well it just didn’t work for me.

I’ve found myself much more introspective – and since for the most part, I am the only one that reads what I write, it doesn’t do me any good to take pot shots!

I imagine the time will come, but for now, it’s more like Janette’s Random Obsessions.

What can you bear and who decides?

I’ve always wondered when people say “God won’t give you anymore than you can bear” – Heck, I’ve said it. What do I know? Why do we think that this will somehow make people facing overwhelming challenges, feel better. Or we say, “I can imagine what you’re feeling.” We can’t. We don’t want to imagine what they are feeling. I dont’ want to imagine what they are feeling, because it scares me. - I CAN’T walk a mile in their shoes. I can barely walk in my own.

What do you say then? What can I say to my dear cousin, who I love like my sister, when I have perfectly healthy children, and she has a baby with overwhelming and unknown challenges? I can’t for a minute think that I understand her fears, her loss, what her life will be in the coming years. I don’t allow myself to imagine what it would be like if my children were not healthy. Where would I find the strength? Do I have what it takes to face overwhelming odds, perservere and overcome? I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever really faced anything that I had to wonder where I would find the strength.

I talked to my Mother-in-law about this today. She experienced a life changing car accident two years ago. She is confined to her home, struggles for breath and is in pain every hour of the day. She says, you just find the strength, you just keep going, there is no other choice.

I’ve always been that “glass half full” girl. But I can’t say I’ve ever faced anything that made me question that. I don’t want to. I want to be there for my family that is facing overwhelming loss. I want to keep the positive coming in without ignoring the reality. I know that there are days that it is all that my mother-in-law can do is to get herself out of bed and dressed for the day. She does it. I want so much for it to get easier. I can’t “fix” her. I can be there, I can make sure that she is getting the best care possible, but she has to face everyday.

I’d love to take my cousins new little baby and make him all better. Hug my cousin tight and take away the pain and fear, but I can’t. I can be there, I can love her, love her husband, and love this new precious baby boy. I can celebrate each of his achievements, bask in the beauty of a new baby. But these parents will face everyday. Everyday will bring a new challenge and new joy.

Will I find better words to console or encourage them than – “God will not give you more than you can bear” – I don’t think so. But I hope as each of my family members fight their battles, I can offer strength and support when it is too much to bear.

Life list – why did I wait so long?

We learn so much about ourselves when we listen to young people. I read about this on my young friends blog – then I found out her younger sister has a list and my friends son – all three in their early 20′s. Alia, the youngest of the three has had her list since she was about 17 years old! OMG – what did I do all these years without a list. – Actually, there was a time in my life - my 20′s that I had 5 year plans, I was specific about a few goals I reviewed carefully and adjusted each year, personal, professional… but then at 29 I had TWINS and they didn’t really fit in the 5 year thing…. well anyway, the best laid plans interrupted by the best thing that ever happened… another day….

So the “list” is not a “Bucket List” necessarily – what I want to do before I die – but a “life” list. How I want to live my life. I saw the Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman movie about two terminally ill men that live out a list of adventures before they die. – The list these young people have created for themselves is so much more! Goals, yes, dreams, yes, fantasy – maybe. The more I read, the more I heard about their lists and the more I felt the need to have one. Like I was missing something in my life because I didn’t have a “LIST”

Since I gave up on the 5 year plans, I pretty much gave up on lists even for the simplest things. I’ll get to the grocery store intending to get milk and bread – I’ll come home after spending $50 and have to run back to the store for milk. Every now and then I break down and make a “to do” list only to lose the list. The idea of creating a “life list” overwhelmed me. What do I put on it? Things that I’ve always wanted to do? Places I want to go? What about things I might have already accomplished? Do they have to be within reach? Who’s to say it’s doable or not. Do I keep it to practical goal oriented things? What if I can’t afford to do it? Should I include that? The answer it seems is – YES.

The next part of the panic for me is – is it private? Who do I share my lsit with? Well, what I hear from these young people is …. Share it. Publish it. Make a copy and send it to your mom. If you do, people will help you live your life. So… I’m starting my list. Not in any priority, just places I want to go, things I’d like to do, feelings I want to experience…

ü  Be a mom

·         Be a good mom – working hard on this one

·         Run a marathon before I’m 50

·         Work on a Habitat for Humanity House

ü  Go to NYC

·         Go again with my girls

·         Graduate from college

·         Catch a “Lunker” on a fly rod

·         Fly Fish in Alaska

·         Dance the night away with someone who cares about me

·         Be an example of a caring but strong woman for my daughters

ü  Run for public office

·         Run for a another office other than School Board – City council/County

·         Read to my grandchildren

·         Have passion in my “twighlight” years

·         Hold hands when I’m 80 with the one I love

·         Work disaster relief – where ever it is needed

·         Help my children reach their dreams

·         Help a friend check something off their list

ü  Go to New York City

·         Go again with my girls

·         Visit Boston with my sister-in-law (she’s from there) and my girls

·         Stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon at sunrise & sunset

·         Be healthy – to enjoy my grandchildren

·         Go to a professional football game

·         Give big – in small ways

·         Know who I am and Love myself

·         Listen more, talk less

·         Travel to all 50 states

ü  OR, WA, CA, ID, WY, AZ, GA, MI, NY, PA, KS, UT, MA, TN, OK, AR, NV, TX, HI

 

The other thing I learned from these wise young people is my list can grow and change with me. It isn’t a five year plan to get all cranked up about when something doesn’t go as planned, or panic when life changes. You don’t have to know how it will fit in the plan, you just edit your list. Add to it, mark it off as complete, or if your life changes next year – something else may become important.

I’m learning one day at a time – life happens. Live it, plan, dream – but LIVE.

 

Stage Fright

Hello, my name is janette and I suffer from stage fright.

I wanted to be part of the “blog” world so bad and now… I have stage fright. The thought of “publishing my work” – scares the crap out of me. I shared this thought with my friend Lauren (confident, accomplished young woman that I admire) she said… “so, write about it” -

Why are we (am I) so afraid to share our thoughts. Who cares what I think. Who am I afraid of judging my writing style, my command of the english language or grammar. Because I compare myself to others – too much. As a forty-something adult, I’m working on what I try to teach my children – it doesn’t matter what other people think – be your own person. “Use your own brain, it’s a good one.”  

So… taking my own good advice, I’m working hard to let go of what other people think and enjoy the moment, think for myself, make choices based not on the response or possible response of others but on my own priorities.

OK – Here is my statement, I’m writing and publishing on this blog. I’ll do my best to write clearly, but don’t promise for a minute to have perfect grammar, I will have fragments (because that’s how I think – in fragments), run on sentencesz (because sometimes my thoughts all come rushing out at one time and i can’t separate them), probably some misspelled words. But I will share what I think, what makes me laugh, what I am passionate about and what motivates me.

There – it’s done. One step towards overcoming your fear is admitting it, facing it. 

 

My favorite people

I spent a wonderful hour with my teenage daughter today. I have twin girls. If I could pick two people (no, I could never choose just one) to spend the day with – it would be my girls.

Each stage, each new phase as they have grown up I have enjoyed. They are so much the same and yet so different. I love the “terrific twos” – the the early stages of decision making. My girls responded to disipline so differently. Our rule was if you weren’t “being nice” you had to go to your room until you can be nice. Well, with Sarah, as soon as you said something, snapped your fingers to get her attention or “You can go to your room until you can be nice.” Sarah would immediately cry – “No, no, no, I will be nice, I’m ready to be nice now” We were consistent with “no, you go to your room and you can come out when you are ready to be nice” – Sarah would run down the hall, get both feet inside the door and burst back into the living room with. “I’m ready to be nice now” and she would. All was fine.

 Rachel on the other hand, when she got the same direction, “You need to go to your room until you can be nice.” Rachel would make a face, run to her room, throw herself on her little toddler bed and sob. Being two, we would wait about two minutes for a time-out and go to her room to ask, “are you ready to be nice now?” – Most often her response was “NO!” and mine would be “Fine, stay there” – and a couple of minutes later, we’d repeat the same exchange. If I asked her if she was ready to be nice – it was a resounding “NO”. I learned, after two minutes not to ask if she was ready, but to just tell her it was time to come back out with everyone and it was time to be nice. It worked. She didn’t have a choice, it was just time.

 Much of who they were is still who they are.

Today, I spent and hour with Rachel, now 16 1/2. We talked to the school guidance counselor about plans for next year. A heavy load of AP and honors classes. Trying to fit some electives into a packed schedule. Choices. Decisions. It was so interesting to hear my daughter talk about what her interest are, reason about what is best for her now and in the future. Work to balance what is fun with what is important. Somewhere learning to decide it was “time to be nice” I can’t help but believe has helped her decide priorities.

Today, I called home and Sarah was a little snippy on the phone. She was short, I thought a little rude. She was trying to do “three things at once” and I interupted her with a phone call. As soon as she got home from practice, she apologized, she wanted to explain what was going on and that she didn’t mean to be rude. Without prodding, she was “ready to be nice now.”

Does this happen because of good parenting or good kids? I don’t know. I think so far, we’ve done a good job, my husband and I to parent to the best of our ability. But I just can’t take too much credit. Sometimes, I think the girls are the young women they are inspite of our parenting. Nature/nurture? Good parenting? I just don’t know.

I know that somewhere in 16 years I’ve been fortunate to have the blessing of two babies – and the majic happens with them everyday since.

I Hate Stupid People…

I hate stupid people – especially when I’m the stupid one.

I worked for public transit for awhile, we’d get these calls, “I think the bus is late, what time does it come by here”, “where are you>”, “I’m at the bus stop”, “Yes, but what stop”, “the one in front of my apartment”, “yes, but where are you waiting for the bus?”, “at the bust stop”…. you get the idea. I think most of us have had conversations like this – I know what I’m saying is right, I understand it completely, I know where I am, don’t you know where I am? Where are  you?

 Or, those stupid people that pass you on a double yellow line, only to end up one car ahead of  you at the next stoplight. No excuse for this one – just stupid.

What about the cranky customer service person.  I managed a technical call center, I had operators answering the phone clearly ticked off that this person dare call and interupt their work day…… Hmmmm, what’s wrong with this…. if no one was calling for customer service – no customer service job. On any given day, this cranky customer service person is probably the best the company has to offer, one day of being stupid can take years of good service to win back a customer.

 Or the guy who lets whatever is happening at home, work, kids, family, pretty much life, cloud their judgment to the point that what ever they are saying – just doesn’t really make sense. They get so focused on one issue, a real issue, but the more important issues get lost in the anger and frustration. Nothing really gets resolved, peoples feelings get hurt, when it is all said and done the stupid person is just embarassed by their own lack of control. Same as the cranky customer service person, one time of not focusing on the real issue, running with emotion can take years of control to overcome one nights recklessness.

Under most circumstances, these people aren’t stupid, they are just sometimes mistaken as stupid people.

Maybe I hate stupid people, because, I am now and again one of them.

Clark Kent/Superman

I set this blog up a month ago all fired up about having a place to share my thoughts and I have been thoughtless since.

 

I wanted to start with “I hate stupid people” and other such peeves – but I’ll start with recognizing a truly remarkable young woman.

 

I have been so impressed with Abby Sewell since she so quietly found her way to our board meeting. She blended in to the crowd, no real stir or urgency about her. Then I found her blog – it is like the alter ego of her public persona. Clark Kent/Superman. More likely, her blog is the place to be her true self. I found this sarcastic, fun loving, risk taker who so freely shares her frustrations and inspirations. Abby has reminded me to not judge a book by its cover. It made me want to have a place to share my alter–ego, or my true self, not just my public persona, so far, I’ve still been too afraid.

 

Abby has done a great job getting to know Molalla and share our news with both sensitivity and objectiveness. No, I haven’t always agreed with what she had to say, or the topics our local paper has chosen to cover, but within that I have a respect for Abby’s work, that even the most difficult of topics Abby has reported without bias. This is a skill not all reporters have.

 

There is something that I admire about women in difficult positions who can maintain their cool even under duress. I’ve never seen Abby crack – at least not in public. There are few women, especially of such a young age that I have come in contact with that have such poise under fire. She’s taken some heat, from community members, school board and city council – but she has held firm, respectfully standing her ground to report newsworthy stories and information. During her stay she has also told some very touching stories that when you read her words you felt the families loss or pride about a loved one. You felt the pain of abuse enough to give, or pray.

 

OK – my first blog post is a love fest. At least I’m writing. Abby, it took a nudge – from you – you inspired me to get me going – Thank you.

 

I wish you well in continuing to meet your goals – if it matters – I’m proud of you! You told me the next step would be a daily publication! I love it when people have a plan, go for their goals and achieve! I can only hope we get a reporter in that will work as hard as you have to get to know our town and understand what’s news, what’s important.